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Hello Dr.:

I read an article you wrote recently were you stated that most women aren't good lovers. Can you explain this to me? Why aren't we good lovers and what's the short answer on how we can be better ones?



That’s a great question! Women are generally not good lovers for a number of reasons:

First, we men don't really demand it of women. Most men are just happy that have someone to have sex with! The person's abilities aren't that critical. Of course, after you’ve been with someone for awhile, it can be that very lack of skills that starts affecting things both in and out of the bedroom.

Second, women spend so much time with their minds on other things; and you know exactly what I'm talking about: "I wonder if my ass looks fat in this light...I hope my hair is covering my face enough...Am I making enough noise?...Am I making too much noise?...Am I moving just right?...etc...etc....etc." All of this is going on exactly when she should be concentrating on herself sexually as well as her lover.

A third reason why women aren't generally good lovers is that they get most of their instruction from other women in women's magazines. Most men read these and just chuckle to themselves. They rarely represent men's sexualities very well at all! If you want to learn how to be a better lover, go to a man for your education - not another woman.

A fourth reason is called the "slut factor". Many women are afraid to let go enough to really learn to enjoy themselves - and to please their partners. Most women have a huge range of sexual expression, but limit themselves in that expression for fear of looking slutty. We men find that frustrating and ridiculous.

A fifth reason is that women are afraid to tell men what they want. Many women say, "Well, he should just know!" Let me assure you on this point: there is not a big red flag on your ass that goes up when you have an orgasm! Many men just don't know were you are in the entire process and often don't know when you've made it. Our climaxes are very obvious; yours are often not obvious - sometimes even to you!

Sixth, women don’t really understand men’s sexualities and our needs. Let me state that there is as much nuance in men’s sexualities as there are in women’s but, we express it very differently. Further, women don’t really want to believe this! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to show the same woman the same trick over and over again only because she didn’t want to believe me!

There are other reasons, but I think you get the point.

As far as a "short" answer to what makes a woman a good lover, the answer learning ­ and accepting ­ these facts, and working to correct them. I've been with many, many women and have learned how to get them past these things, but it takes work; far more than it should! Many of these women learn to climax just from being touched, or even told to for instance. These are incredibly sexual women, but they are no different from other women - they've only learned how to let themselves be that way. Women have an incredible range in sexuality, but your own minds limit you tremendously.

So, the short answer is; there really is no short answer. Just come over here, get in bed and I'll show you.

Best regards…


Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: Check out the discussion group at:

Copyright (c) 2004, Dr. Dennis W. Neder All rights reserved.

posted on Wednesday, June 02, 2004 4:45 PM
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